Kirito, the Boy with the Power to Destroy What God Has Created
by Jin Hikari
Summary: The seventy-second floor of Aincrad proves to be a unique challenge for the inhabitants of Aincrad, and our hero is going to prove to himself once and for all he's capable of trusting people enough to not be honest with them about his abilities in the game. Wait. What? A lampoon if I've ever seen one.


_**Perpare for lampoon history, ladies and germs.**_

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><p>It was early in the month of September in the year 2024. The death game of Sword Art online, or SAO for short, had been going on for an immeasurable amount of time now. Somehow, the lone inhabitants of this desecrated and pitiful world had managed to desperately scale seventy one of the one hundred floors laid out for them by the mastermind behind the game – Kayaba Akihiko.<p>

An ebony cloaked swordsman was relaxing on the seventy second floor of the world, an area he didn't often spend time in as he preferred to let lamer, more casual players like the people in Knights of Blood handle front lining for him. Still, he'd realized that his skill might be needed to face the upcoming challenge.

Simply put, it would be next to impossible to find the dungeon of this floor while it was totally submerged underwater.

The seventy-second floor of Aincrad – the world where SAO took place – had one town that was located on a mass of gigantic floating lily pads. Many people enjoyed the aesthetics when they weren't worried about escaping the game with their lives intact, but after so long a few people had stopped worrying so much and started to view the game like a second version of real life. Kirito was the founding father of this philosophy, and many praised him for his unfounded wisdom in that regard. He didn't think it was that big of a deal, though.

Still, with all the monsters and most of the floor being totally underwater, no one could get down to the deep depths to explore the floor. It was at times like this Kirito was thankful he'd quit playing kendo with his little sister who wasn't actually his little sister but his cousin and traded it for video games. More specifically, before he got into video games he wanted to learn how to play guitar because that was how he could pick up chicks.

"Yeah, I guess that worked out really well, didn't it," the onyx sword wielder chuckled to himself.

Unfortunately, Band Camp had taught him nothing about how to pick up chicks and he was destined to save up another summer's worth of semen for Asuna, but he hadn't started dating her yet so that didn't matter.

Regardless, because of his summer spent in Band Camp, Kirito had the highest lung capacity on the server. This somewhat mundane trait had manifested itself into a valuable skill when the floor had first been unlocked.

Underwater Mouth Breather

"I just wish Kayaba could come up with better names for his hidden skills," Kirito sighed. Sometimes having an uncreative creator was just the worst when it came to useful skills not having good names.

The skill allowed Kirito to breathe underwater with his mouth so long as he was wearing a nose plug to avoid getting water in his nose. Thankfully Lisbeth had been able to fashion him a top-tier nose plug equipment piece out of some ruby dragon feces from a lower level floor. He'd killed the dragon by spinning his sword around and creating a tornado that ripped off its wings and left it vulnerable on the ground. Asuna was there to help him too, I guess.

"She's a good partner, maybe the only one I can trust in this cruel prison of a world world," the wielder of the Elucidator thought, feeling much like Eren from attack on Titan as he spoke of how bad the world of Aincrad was.

It was thanks to this that Kirito was able to dive to the bottom of the seventy-second floor. His goal was to find the floor boss and get the game moving again because honestly at this point he was a little bored and also he was going to do it alone because he still didn't have the ability to trust other people because his old guild had all been killed by monsters because he wasn't honest with them and told them he was the main character of the series and they were in danger if they couldn't get more awesome than they were quickly.

He couldn't go around trusting people enough to not be honest with them again, so he simply went off on his own path. It was hard, but he was able to do it because he was the main character of the series and had the fastest reaction time and best internet connection on the server, which meant he could dual wield but he didn't tell anyone about that yet because he couldn't trust anyone enough to not be honest with them, and also everyone hated him because of that thing he did where he absorbed all the hate against beta testers onto himself like Lelouche from Code Geass, his favorite anime next to Fate/Stay Night.

Kirito ventured into the dungeon, inventory full of potions and a waterproof pen and piece of paper ready to make a map of the place.

It was then that he realized that instead of the dungeon being hidden on the floor, the floor itself was the dungeon and he'd just stumbled upon the boss room instead of the real dungeon. And even if he wanted to use a teleport crystal to escape back to town, there was no way that could work because all the bosses were in rooms where teleportation was restricted. He had no choice. He either had to fight or die now.

The Surf and Turf, the uncreatively named boss squid monster of the floor, spawned and let out a cry of rage as Kirito dared enter his domain, but the onyx and ebony swordsman knew the trick to fighting underwater thanks to his training on the floor below. Thankfully, even if he forgot to use his Underwater Mouth Breather skill for a bit, his Battle Healing was high enough to heal him when he started breathing through his mouth again.

So when the room turned into a no teleport zone and the exit was blocked by geysers of insta-kill hot water, Kirito knew what he had to do.

Things were looking darker and edgier by the second.

Taking out his second sword, Dark Repulsor, Kirito launched into a combination of very specific Sword Arts that kept his swords as thin against their swing direction as possible. This lowered the water resistance against his blades which made it hard for other people that weren't him to fight monsters underwater. Breathing in deeply through his mouth, Kirito hit the creature with sheer force of will to live behind his swords.

Thankfully no one was around to see him use his dual wielding, so Kirito wasn't at risk of not being honest with people about his skills in the game. He couldn't trust anyone with some of his secrets because he didn't want to be in the spotlight like the other beaters that everyone hated.

It was a long fight, but thankfully Kayaba Akihiko had made The Surf and Turf easier to beat because it was underwater and that was most of its strength. By bypassing the advantage that it had, Kirito was able to take it out easily with his second sword in hand.

When the floor opened, Kirito used the special last hit drop from The Surf and Turf - a tasty rare food ingredient – to coax out a date from Asuna who was always willing to practice her cooking skills even though she begrudgingly did so when Kirito got something out of it as well.

Regardless, the beautiful and skilled girl was able to make a tasty meal out of the boss, though she was mad at Kirito for doing something so dangerous by himself. Maybe Kirito could trust her enough to not be honest with her after all.

"You know, with someone like you around, I might just stop throwing myself into danger for absolutely no reason at all," Kirito said offhandedly as he dug into his delicious meal, completely blind to Asuna angrily blushing, but secretly finding his words sweet.

As the day came to a close and the front liners moved to occupy the seventy-third floor, Kirito and Asuna enjoyed a meal together on the sixty-first floor in Asuna's house.

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><p><em><strong>So how the hell do you think it is? Finally it's complete, my life's work. Leave a review if you would. I am a desperate man.<br>**_


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